Do you need to regain your mental health? Learn to say NO!

Maria was doing very well as VP of development at a San Francisco technology company. She had been hired to create a positive atmosphere in the community, and she was perfect for doing it. But his work had started with problems. His director had asked him to take on a new project in Brazil, which would take up a third of his time. Her instinct was to say yes, she didn’t want to lose her CEO’s approval, and the opportunity was an honor. But realistically, she couldn’t be in South America and at the same time do the job she had been hired for in San Francisco.

When I met with her, I saw the problem immediately. I’ve been an executive coach for over 25 years, and Maria had made one of the biggest mistakes I’ve seen many managers and founders make: always saying yes. Leaders want to grow their businesses, please people, avoid conflict, and keep their jobs. But accepting every request or business proposal that comes to them can overload them with work. And because this prevents them from thinking clearly, they end up not concentrating on the truly important work.

With another client, the founder of a company who said yes to any purchase or merger opportunity that came his way, I created a table for him to visualize the costs of saying yes to everything: his health, the fact that almost no he knew his daughter, that his COO was constantly changing, etc. When he saw the table, he cried.

And I get it: telling someone they don’t seem selfish. But when you learn to say it elegantly and strategically, everyone wins. It all comes down to the way you say that critical but very important word, so to do it, take into account the following:

1. The direct “no”. For some reason, it is usually easier for people to hear no when it is accompanied by a why, so you can try something like: “I appreciate that you thought of me, and since you are the one who asks me, I have considered it a lot. As a person who likes to say yes, I like to get into everything. But I have learned that to be effective I have to prioritize. I am very sorry to have to say no to you but I have already committed to x and y, and I need to do the best job I can on those projects. “

2. Negotiate the time. You can offer to reconsider the proposal at a later date. It could be at the end of the year, when you finish a project or whatever you want, but you can only take this path if you know that you will be able to commit within that period. If you’re just procrastinating, you’re going to lose confidence.

3. Accept with conditions. Can you change the request to make things easier for yourself? For example, you could say, “If you assign a project leader to make sure everything is delivered on time and to help me stay on budget, you can count on me.” It is also a good way to check how much the other person is interested in the project. You may find that in the end it was not so important or urgent.

4. Become a troubleshooter and offer an alternative. My client at the tech company ended up finding another well-qualified candidate to handle the Brazil project, while she concentrated on getting her job done. The boss was delighted with the option she presented and gave her partner a great opportunity for growth.

The point is, saying no doesn’t allow you to say yes in a much more collaborative way. We tend to think that people do not want to hear them say “no”, but managers are more frustrated when someone accepts and then does not comply. They generally trust more assertive people, who can give more realistic time frames or offer a new solution to the problem. My client’s boss realized that she really understood the business. In his eyes, she didn’t say no, but instead created a strategy that made them all win.

^{* The name has been changed.}